Friday, June 5, 2009
I have realized so much about other people and myself n the past few days... I guess its because I'm sitting at home and I really have nothing better to do with my life but nether the less I have realized.... I realized that no one is really ever your true friend. No matter how much you may give or care about a person they will always put themselves first. I know that it is wrong to give and expect things in return but come on now when you continuously give to someone unconditionally u would expect at least half of what you've given right? Maybe I'm just being selfish but its just how I feel. I have realized that no one is here to stay. No use in trying to hold on to people who are not holding on to you. I have realized that I am sooooo tired. I'm tired of giving all of myself to people who don't deserve it or for that matter even want me to begin with. I don't want to force myself on anyone. I'm so tired of debating and arguing with people. I should not have to show or prove myself to anyone. Why can't I just say something and it be the end of it? Or why can't I just be me and you be happy with that? I'm tired of people trying to tell me who I am. Because in actuality I don't even know. I still don't believe that I have found myself. But I do know that I am not what others say I am. I'm tired of being convinced when I know that deep down inside I feel differently. I have also realized that I can read people very well. I kno when someone doesn't like me I know if they are jealous I know when they want the best for me I know if they feel the same way I do. I realized that jealousy is a very hard thing to admit but here I am saying it I am jealous. Of what? Of everything. I'm jealous of the fact that people can be so happy when I am unhappy. I'm jealous of the fact that others have what I don't. I'm jealous of the fact that people are capable of loving and staying in long lasting relationships when I myself has not had a stable loving relationship with anyone in my life. I'm jealous of people who can end things and walk away and never think twice about it. I have realized that I am a person. I have emotions I have feelings. I may seem as though I do not care or things don't phase me but inside I hurt and I cry out for someone just to listen. a couple weeks ago I really had my feelings hurt. I mean I have never had my feelings hurt that way in my life I tried to act as if it did not effect me but it really did hurt.My feelings were hurt by someone who is not even close to me or I even care about but they hurt me more than anyone that is close to me ever has. It took that incident for me to realize that I am capable of being hurt. I thought that I had been hurt in the past but that was small compared to how I felt. I have also realized that a relationship is not something I need but want. I want to be in love I want some one to always be there for me I want have someone there just to talk to I want to be able to say what I want to someone and have no regrets I want to be able to give myself to someone and they give themselves back. But me wanting this has sent me down a downward spiral only ending in disaster. Dead end relationships, dudes who seem to care but really don't, broken promises, heartache, and loneliness. No longer looking but waiting. No longer expecting the best but the worst so I won't get disappointed. Not only in relationships but in everything. I am broken.